Two Cents Tuesday: Hollow
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I’m tired
I’m so tired
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Honestly though. I was freakin TIRED man! “Hollow” was the first complete song I ever wrote, and it absolutely was the artistic summation of emotional vomit. It was 2016, and I had just moved to New York City to further my pursuits in musical theatre. I was extremely fortunate in LA to work consistently from show to show with my only day job ever being a union singing gig at Disneyland. So, I set foot in JFK just FULL of certainty that it would only be a matter of months before I booked a Broadway show. I was hopeful, confident, arrogant & naive. Thing is… I also arrived in The Big Apple a bit less than fresh.
Not even a full year prior I had gotten divorced, and I was still reeling from that much more than I ever let on (or at least tried not to let on!). When you’re divorced at 24 after having taken painstaking effort to do everything “right” and work so hard to be “good” your entire life, to say it’s an identity crisis doesn’t quite cut it. I was absolutely drowning in shame - even though I knew the relationship was toxic and I had ample support that I needed to get out of that marriage - how could I have made such a colossal mistake?? Didn’t I pray daily for discernment and for God to guide my footsteps? Wasn’t I so sure that “when you know, you know” and I KNEW I was meant to marry that man?? I was so overcome by my shame that I tried to keep it a secret from new friends & colleagues for as long as possible, and definitely wouldn’t dare post about it online! I won’t go into detail about why we got divorced in this post here, but I can tell you with 300% certainty that getting out of that relationship was the best decision I ever made. Didn’t make the immediate aftermath any easier…
So there I was: 24, divorced, my cried-out eyes wide, and my fragile heart bursting with hope at this fresh start. And the first couple months in the city seemed full of promises fulfilled! I booked a fantastic summer gig at The Muny right away and hit things off with a really great guy all within my first couple weeks. It didn’t take long for the rollercoaster that is Manhattan to take a deep, unexpected plunge. Things with the guy didn’t work out, I didn’t book anything else for months, and I was questioning everything I ever believed in almost daily. And thus: songwriting!!
I had no idea what I was doing and honestly didn’t even know I was capable of writing a song up until this point (although a few journals from 7th grade would beg to differ…). It started out as poetry, the notes app in my phone becoming a catch all for my angst & anguish. Eventually I started hearing melodies to match the words pouring out of me. I’ve been singing for as long as I can remember, but I’d never formally studied music theory or played an instrument. Sooooo… My melodies not only weren’t set to chords, they weren’t even set to time. I liked to call it organic & unique. True musicians would call it an amateur disaster. 😅 I started meeting with my superior musician friends who helped me sort out keys and time signatures and all that necessary technique I hadn’t even realized was so painfully lacking. My lyrics, though, I was deeply proud of.
To this day my lyrics for “Hollow” are in my top 3 fav that I’ve ever written. I was completely raw, not trying to be commercial in any sense. And I was TIIIIIIRED!!!!! I was tired of the rejection and the heartache and the disappointment; tired of taking two steps forward only to slide six steps back. And most of all, I was so tired of being SAD! I wrote this in a season where I just desperately needed to catch a break, personally or professionally. I’d spent my entire life being the bigger person, having a thick skin and choosing to find the silver linings. I was desperately ready for a break from the trials and to enter a season of peace. Little did I know that self-producing my own music video for my own song and releasing my very own single on all major platforms would bring this sense of peace & reward, as well as an insatiable hunger for more. 😼
Before “Hollow” I had only ever presented my most perfect self to the world. My resume was full of ingenues & Disney princesses. This was my first time revealing to the world the ugly parts of my story. It was terrifying. And also so freeing!! I’ll wrap this up with this thought on shame from Brené Brown: “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” BAM! (Honestly, I think pretty much everything Brené Brown says or writes is life changing - I highly recommend her “Unlocking Us” podcast or starting with her OG Ted Talk on Vulnerability). We’re all human and life can be hard enough as it is. Don’t get lost in shame on top of it. Trust me, it’s exhausting 😜 Plus, I’d bet there’s someone out there who will feel so seen and grateful for your story! 💙
Check out the music video & lyrics for “Hollow” below!!
LYRICS:
I’m tired
I’m so tired
And I keep on doin my best
My feet are chained to memories
I can’t find any rest
Ooooh no
Ooooh
Toughen up
Toughen up
Toughen up oh
My hope echoes cause it’s hollow
Toughen up restless one toughen up
I’m tired
I’m so tired
So I fling myself into the night
Prayin I might fall asleep
The night she brings no rest
It’s dark and thick and when you wake
You’re covered in her ink
No no no no
Oooh
Toughen up
Toughen up
Toughen up oh
My hope echoes cause it’s hollow
Toughen up restless one toughen up
It’s cold before the sunrises
Its strangely feels like home
The passersby all shiver
I know I’m not alone
I’m still so tired
I’m so tired
And I know I shouldn’t feel this way
My heart’s a little deaf
I tell it to move on
I tell it to keep beating
The weight of my thick skin’s so heavy
Tomorrow I’ll be strong and carry on
Oooh no
Oooh
Oooh no
Toughen up restless one, toughen up