Two Cents Tuesday: Safer Wild
“Untame my heart’s delight.” This is probably one of my most favorite lyrics I’ve ever written. I wrote it over 4 years ago now, and I still think about it regularly! I suppose that’s because I’m still on a journey of doing just that: untaming. (and hey! I wrote this way before Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” got popular, k?! 😉) (but also Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” is incredible. Everybody read it.)
I grew up in a very conservative home, and I’ve always wrestled with my innate free spirit. I suppose you could say my hunger for spontaneity & my disdain for rules is matched only by my anxiety to “be good”; or you could say I’m equal parts obedient, but also “better to ask for forgiveness than permission”. Anywho… wow.. where is my mind?! I’m sitting here on a flight to my first paid performance gig since the pandemic, and I’m suddenly having a hard time pinpointing what I want to share with this post. How far back do I go? How deep do I cut? How much do I reveal? And how do I sum it all up?
Well. Let’s go there. (*degrassi* - anyone else? Just me? k.) So. In elementary school my mom called me “her little missionary”. When I found out at church that anyone who didn’t believe in Jesus as the Son of God was going to spend an eternity in hell, my heart broke and I tried my darndest to make sure everyone I knew would go to heaven! I went to a public elementary school, but you better believe by the time I got to 5th grade almost everyone in my class was going with me to my church’s winter & summer camps! It was this same empathy that then led me to complete anguish & confusion in my Jr High & High School years when “the church” treated people with such a lack of love and compassion. Why was my mom fired from her ministry position when she got divorced from an alcoholic? Where was the compassion toward her getting out of an unsafe relationship? Why was there such judgment toward the LGBTQ community? Where was the love and the empathy? I was pretty much always in the midst of extreme internal conflict while still passionately (almost defiantly) pursuing my relationship with Christ & always trying to honor my faith first. Cut to me getting divorced by the time I was 24.
I’m sorry, WHAT?! Hadn’t I followed the rules? Hadn’t I done everything “right”? Wasn’t I “good”? Didn’t I pray for discernment every single day from meeting that man right up to taking our vows? How did I wind up in such a toxic relationship? How did I make such a MASSIVE mistake? I was drowning in shame, from outside sources as well as from within. Breaking free from this shame took years. Like, quite literally years. 2015-2018 I was largely a mess. I had been conditioned to behave a certain way & follow certain rules that I thought would lead to the life I wanted, that I thought would protect me, but they didn’t. At all. Ultimately I was constructing a cage for myself. Contrary to what I believed, the cage didn’t keep me safe, it just kept me trapped. Grappling with this shame was overwhelming and devastating, but also life-changing. Now here in 2021 the fact that I’m divorced feels like such a random little trivia about my life. Like, “oh yeah? Remember that chapter of my life? How random! That was so long ago and I am so different now.” I also recognize that I wouldn’t be who I am now if I hadn’t gone through it. And I like who I am & even more who I’m becoming.
My inspo board for the “Safer Wild” music video
Which brings me back to “Safer Wild”. In 2017 I was only a couple years out of that marriage & still trying to discover who I was now that my entire identity & worldview had been shattered. I had originally moved to NYC to continue pursuing my dreams of being on Broadway, but instead found myself writing music & eventually spending a month in Nashville. That’s where I met my co-writer for “Safer Wild”. Hana Bajric presented her song “Mama Said” at NSAI’s Song Camp and I was OBSESSED. This song is incredible and the girl performing it completely captivated me. When she agreed to co-write with me I was over the moon! I was still a total baby novice at songwriting so all I had to present to her was my basic drum beat I had crafted on Garageband and the melody for the hook I had come up with for the chorus. She apparently loved it though and we sat there on the floor of my AirBnb and came up with the rest together.
While I can recognize now how the production on the recording is less than “industry standard”, I honestly still really love this song 🤷🏼♀️ Its message is still so poignant to me and it always brings me back to such an important, transformative season of my life. Even though the music video shoot date itself was hella stressful, I look back on it now so fondly. I was new to the city still and yet I was surrounded by all of these incredible friends & artists who were down to collaborate with me on this little ol’ song of mine! So much has happened since that scrappy shoot on a rented rooftop in Harlem: a romantic relationship began & ended, work relationships blossomed & faded, friendships bloomed & changed, and ultimately I have grown so much. I like to think I could handle the stress of that shoot a lot better now, and I could probably navigate some of the relationship woes with more grace. And that’s what “Safer Wild” will always be about for me. The trial and error, the self-discovery and all its growing pains, the courage to step off the ledge & test new wings. And ultimately how beautiful life can be when you let yourself be free & truly untame your heart’s delight. (I think God also wants us all to be free & love more & abandon the cages, but more on all that in blogs to come 😉🥳)
So be free my babes! Love you lots!
Music & Lyrics by Rachel King & Hana Bajric || Filmed & Edited by Tyler Milliron || Choreographed by Audra Bryant
Dancers: Abby Jaros, Nico DeJesus, Karma Jenkins, Joey Rosario, Paige Sealey, Tracy Shen, Frankie Shin
Hair & Makeup: Grace Berryman, Carly Hughes, Karma Jenkins, Kate Turner
Lyrics:
When I was a child, I dreamed of flying to the sun
Now I stand so small, not really sure who I’ve become
Spent all these years, building up fears that only ever bring me down
This cage that’s in my mind, can I unlock it? Dare I even try?
Would I be safer wild, find shelter in the light
Come out of the shadows, untame your heart’s delight
Be safer wild
Safer wild
Stepped out to the ledge, took a deep breath, closed my eyes
Then I took the leap, first fall was steep, barely survived
Kept falling down, with no one around, I questioned why I even dared
Stared down at my feet, if they were wings, then I’d be free
Can I be safer wild, find shelter in the light
Come out of the shadows, untame your heart’s delight
Be safer wild
Safer wild
There is no key if the cage is only in my mind
Oh suddenly, I realize I’m in the sky
I am limitless, unguarded, unafraid
My heart will not resist, avoiding pain kept me enslaved
I am the dove and the dove set me free
I’m safer wild, found shelter in the light
Came out of the shadows, untamed my heart’s delight
I’m safer wild Safer wild
Safer wild